CHILDFREE BY CHOICE.
Since childhood, I was conditioned to think that having kids is the marker of “adulthood.”
Thinking back, every movie ended in a marriage, 2.5 children in a picket fence house and a dog (never a cat).
But by the age of 15, I was sure I didn’t want to be a mother. As I got older, this way of thinking became clearer as aunts and cousins had their children, and I, among the oldest of the brood, still couldn’t hack it. I saw my younger cousins fall in love with their babies even through the hard months of early motherhood, they seem to fall into it.
When I was asked when I’d have a child, I couldn’t think of one good reason to have one. I don’t believe my genes are anything special that need to be passed down, and I have four other siblings who might have children.
As I got older, the question felt like it stripped me of my personhood as if I was nothing without aspiring to become a mother. I made my reaction to this line of questioning harder so those in my life understood I was firm on my decision. No one considers how hurtful it might be to continuously ask about why you don’t have or want children.
Besides not being blessed with the maternal gene, I overthink the reality of children; the economy is in the trash, the struggle of supporting a little human through their journey while being depressed, and overall, just a lack of wanting to risk hating my child or motherhood are solid enough reasons against it for me.
When people find out I am part of a couple, their questions increase. People often assume that he would want kids and that I should compromise on children (which should never be the case). The idea that, “just one kid won’t hurt,” gets tossed around. I’m sure the one kid would hurt (as that is the nature of childbirth), but when I nail home that my partner and I are dead against children, no one believes that.
As a woman, I should want to be a mother and nurture a child into who they are (even though that is another reason I don’t want a child). As a man, my partner should want or need to pass down his name and genes to have someone who has the same…eyes as him. I’m unclear on why people feel outraged by our choice to not have children. To them, it seems like we are “denying ourselves the greatest and most unconditional love this life has to offer.”
When I ask folks with children why they had them, the answers are sometimes more unsettling than a birthing video. It’s more about how a child can benefit them as they age and to have a carbon copy of themselves or their partner. They are appalled that somehow my future goals include being married and living in a cozy home (in the middle of nowhere) without a child and cats.
I intend to live every day of my life as free as possible: go on all the adventures, travel with my partner and family, read all the books, sleep all the days, and not change any of the diapers…and no, I won’t change my mind.
