LEARNING TO CREATE MORE THAN I CONSUME
In my head, I’m a potential business owner, artist, grad student, community hero, and future professor. Outside of my head, however, I don’t know who I actually want to be and where to start. As I juggle all of the possibilities of who I could be, life passes me by.
Recently, I’ve been inspired to create more than I consume, and I’ve been trying to make my consumption more productive than scrolling on social media and daydreaming. For example, I’ve been reading more and creating a list of books for my personal enrichment. I’ve also been rediscovering how to create as a hobby and form of self expression, as opposed to solely creating for work.
When I was a child, I often filled sketchbooks with artwork and was eager to improve my skills. My sense of fulfillment came from my self-improvement and was isolated from external markers of what success should look like. As I got older and more conscious of the world around me, success began to be measured by a grade, compliment, or award. At some point, no award or excellent grade was good enough because I was aware that there would always be people in this world leagues above me. My payoff for hard work became external validation and public recognition, and I forgot to create for the joy of it. After graduating college, I nearly stopped creating altogether because it felt like work, and work with no grade or recognition felt pointless.
Before I realized it, I felt directionless and purposeless. Somehow I forgot that creating is what makes a creative. One doesn’t get awarded with a degree or high status first, and then put in the work to prove they deserve it. Payoff proceeds hard work, and I couldn’t call myself a designer or artist with no recent designs or art to show for it.
Recently, an acquaintance suggested that I submit a piece to an exhibition. I wrestled with the idea of it, and ultimately submitted two pieces just after the submission deadline. Weeks of procrastinating led to a quick acceptance, and It made me wonder how often in my life I measure the value of my effort by what I get out of it, and as a result, don’t see the value in trying. Through this experience, I finally felt like a creative again, not because my artwork was approved in the exhibition, but because I finally created something that represented myself and was detached from the transactional dynamic of a good grade or a paycheck.