Marriage? 🤔

Marriage. A thing we as women are supposed to strive to achieve in the minds of society. The picture-perfect lifestyle. The “American Dream.” 

As a woman it seems that our whole existence, our entire worth as a woman or human is based on our marriage ability. The ability to secure a perfect match that includes stability and some sort of wealth, as well as a commitment to raise a family and continue on the family bloodline. 

In my mind, if you couldn’t already tell, the basis of marriage is an archaic practice that adheres to one universal concept and one concept only: the idea of men being able to own and control women. 

When we really take a look past the beautiful white gowns (don’t even get me started on the purity factor), the sparkly diamond ring whose size represents how much we mean to our man, and the insanity of promises to “obey,” we can only think back to ancient times where we, as women, were essentially used as a bartering tool. What people fail to realize, and remember because the industry has conditioned our fragile female minds to value our life’s worth in the size of our wedding, is that pre-dated marriages were forms of exchanges of property from one family to another. 

“Your farm is suffering and your family is poor? Well I have money, and if you allow me to wed your young daughter I will save your farm.” 

We were exchanged as if we were property not people, and sold off to the highest bidder without a question of whether or not we even wanted to be with the man. In many cultures, we are barely 15 when our parents send us away to be used as maids and babymakers. Now, we pour thousands upon tens of thousands of dollars into the wedding industry each year, in the name of love, when in reality, it's an opportunity to move women into submission. 

Extreme, I’m sure, is what you’re thinking right now, but it's true. Think about what the “normal” expectation is for a man vs. a woman in the household. The man = breadwinner. He goes off to work every day in his fancy pressed pants and button-up shirt, and sits in an office with other out of touch misogynistic idiots, and pushes around papers and pretends he’s a big deal (I know this because I went to college with most of these kinds of men). Then he goes home, where he is expected to receive a warm invite, a kid-free disturbance as he watches the news or his sport of choice, and then a home cooked meal. Then his expectation is some sex before bed, and that in the morning when he wakes, he’ll have finely pressed pants again, and a new shirt and tie ready for another day.  

Think about the idea of a Bridal Shower. A Bridal Shower in which you, as the woman, are celebrated with gifts...gifts that allow you to cook and clean in your home. A rug perhaps, or that new vacuum to vacuum the floor before your new husband comes home, or a set of ladles and spoons for when you make dinner for your husband and children. A picture perfect June Cleaver pile of gifts that prove to us again where our place is in the world. Or thought to be. 

I won’t lie and say that I wasn’t once one of these brainwashed women who was taught to picture her wedding as a little girl, because I was. I had a Pinterest board and all. But then, when I started getting older, post-college life where my friends all started getting married, I began to really see the hypocrisy and insanity of the concept of marriage, and the idea of a wedding. I began to see the scam that it was and the lengths in which our society was still trying to push that yes, you wanted to openly commit to one man for the rest of your life, and have that held above your head by that man, for the rest of your life. 

Growing up, my mom never taught us about marriage like that. After all, she was a single disabled mother and had lost what she had thought was the love of her life when he couldn’t handle her leg amputation. Bustled between family members when our mother was in the hospital, I had a chance to privately witness several marriages. As a highly over observant child, I paid attention to them all, and over the years and have begun to learn what it actually takes to have a good relationship with your partner. And trust me, there were not many. You start to see which women just settled down either because they were too insecure to try and look for something better, or simply thrived in the chaos. And the men who reveled in the idea that this was their woman. Their “old lady,” the “ball and chain,” and that any woman should consider herself the luckiest girl to be married to him. Not only did I witness subservient behavior by the women, and controlling behavior from the men, I also saw the lack of respect some of these couples had for each other. 

I’ve been in my fair share of weddings too (which I officially retired from in 2019), and have attended several others where at least 3 of them went into their wedding day either knowing/or completely in the dark, that their soon to be “soulmate” had cheated on them. I watched as brides stood up with their grooms and made all these false promises, while the bride also looked into the eyes of the Best Man. Her future husband’s best friend, and one of the only other men she had ever slept with. I’ve seen friends find out they’ve been cheated on by their significant other, and in less than a year, accept a marriage proposal. 

Sure the hopeless romantics will argue that “people can change” and “marriage is a beautiful unity” but all of that is just society further feeding into the narcissism and insecurity of women by trying to prove that they aren’t successful in their life unless a man wants them. They are not important unless the male species desires them.

But why? 

Well, if women are in the kitchen then they’re not in the boardroom. They’re not out realizing the issues men are creating in the world, and they’re not out fixing them. Being better than men. 

But ladies, ask yourself. What’s the real reason you want to get married? Likely you’ll say the love, or party, or whatever reason we’ve been made to think, and that’s not your fault. But maybe take a minute to really think about it. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean your life will get easier. It doesn’t mean your husband won’t cheat on you. It doesn’t mean he’ll finally want kids. It doesn’t even mean that he legally has to take care of you. It’s strictly for an ownership standpoint. Learn to embrace your independence. Force the change to the narrative. We as women are more than the men we marry. Being in a committed, long-term relationship is still possible without all the falsehoods of marriage. If you can’t find security in a man without feeling the need to be married to him, then maybe you should take a deeper look at the internal misogyny you yourself have fallen prey to and unlearn this behavior. 

The freedom you’ll feel when you finally see through the wool that’s been pulled over your eyes, is undeniable. When you learn that your worth is not tied to the feelings of men it truly puts your life in a completely different perspective, and that’s what I want for you. 

Dismantle the wedding industry! Stop putting $100,000 into wedding arrangements and venues all for you to fall out with half your bridesmaids and force people to spend time and money on traveling to your wedding for a mediocre time. 

FYI, your wedding idea is not original. It’s been done before. 

So save some money and heartache, embrace your independence, and don’t settle for less than you deserve.

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk. 

Xoxo 

Jess